something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
You Might Also Like
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely