The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”