Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Selfie
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave