Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Twitter remains undefeated