I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
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Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
my fav colour is also hitler
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”