No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣