bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
sigh
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Always a metermaid never a meter
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.