ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.