Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”