I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I know
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Lucky old June.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things