[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
You Might Also Like
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”