It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.