Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.