Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Life is a suicide mission.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible