Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
this has to be peak English
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*