Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
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When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.