Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
can’t believe I got front row seats
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.