*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows