CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
This is what makes twitter great
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.