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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Fights fire with marshmallows
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how