I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.