I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
im all 3
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.