By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Fries, not lies.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?