The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Genius idea!!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad