*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts