I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.