I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Based Erika
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
See..?
.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him