*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.