On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”