alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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blocked.
good let them take over I have had enough
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
A game married people play.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
DOOO EEEET