Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
You Might Also Like
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Me too door. Me too.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
no one ever comes back