*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
me when i see my girls butt
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them