Monica just destroyed the internet
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I mean…but I did
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Hello, my name is Pierre.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.