I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that