NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
i will not be silenced
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
podcasts
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲