my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies