SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?