I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You Might Also Like
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.