Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.