Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome