I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Finally! 😈
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.