Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You Might Also Like
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I have a black belt in leather
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.