Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.