I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?