he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…