VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something