I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate