“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
WTF
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.