Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
You Might Also Like
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Yes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
A dad and his duck
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
This 4th of July, please remember…
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?