The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.